There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
Randomize
