i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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