dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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