she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
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