I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize