I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
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