He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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