I accidentally had phone sex last night
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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