I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Going to the u of w I constantly have that moment of, oh hey I felt you up at that rave at folk fest that one time. Winnipeg is too small.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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