He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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