I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Randomize
