Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Randomize
