WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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