She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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