It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I think my vagina is haunted
the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
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