I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
Michelle Duggar likes to fuuuuck
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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