It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
