Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
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