I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
I love having hate sex.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
