So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
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