Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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