I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
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