I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Randomize
