i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Randomize
