ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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