I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Randomize
