I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
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