The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
