Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Randomize
