Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
