Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
Randomize
