I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
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