Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
Randomize
