you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
Randomize
