Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
