I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
