Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
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