he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Randomize
