A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
