i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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