Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
