for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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