Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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