well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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