Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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