I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Dick very happy bro
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Randomize
