Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
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