are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
I love having hate sex.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
