you guys were way drunker than both of me
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
