Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Randomize
