Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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