How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
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