I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I've been awake for 20+ hrs. What does that mean? I just realized if BSB were Twilight characters, Brian would be Jake and Howie would be Edward based on the video for "Everybody". That's unsettling.
It's unsettling that you took the time to think about that.
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize