Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
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