Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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