I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
whose parrot is this?
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
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