I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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