It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
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