If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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