You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
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