great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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