He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
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