i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Randomize
