Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Randomize
