barbara walters just said penis...
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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