and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
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